I feel traumatized and there is no trauma. Is this what lack of sleep does to me? If so, then I will not be seeking work anytime soon. I stayed with a relative last night who just had a heart port put in. It was not functioning well, and was leaking. She was in too much pain to sleep from the meds being inserted that were going into surrounding tissues instead of the circulatory system. Why she wouldn’t allow me to call the on-call nurse, I don’t know. I stressed over it, decided to respect her wishes, and then stayed up with her until morning when she was willing to call the nurse. She was determined to shower with the compromised port in. I offered to tape plastic around it, but she was in the shower before I could get supplies. It shouldn’t bother me…it’s her body, right? She knows the risk she is taking.
Then I went to church to help teach a class with young children. I forgot to print off the coloring page, but pulled together a last minute idea. The class went without a hitch. Afterwards, I could hear myself talking about stuff that shouldn’t be verbalized, and couldn’t seem to turn it off. I felt like a fool. So now I’m re-evaluating my life thinking I should not be allowed to go out in public. I should plan to avoid contact with anyone I could say something foolish to.
I found myself stressing this week over telling a friend I’m not interested in buying her pain relief herbal product for $50 even though I’m in pain. And telling another gal that no, I’m not interested in selling Asea even though I’ve been using it for a year and it has been helping me tremendously. Yes, I want an income and pain relief, but no, I don’t want my motives to be questioned when I do recommend something helpful, and I don’t want to offer a solution to people that they can’t afford. I want to serve others, not bleed them dry. I feel insecure enough as it is recommending free stuff…because I’m not an expert. I think the direction I need to go is in becoming an expert and getting some credentials behind my name. A nutritionist maybe? I’ve always wanted to be a massage therapist.
And a third social stresser…a friend freaked out on me, she said because she and her misbehaving daughters hadn’t eaten in over 3 hours. I wanted to be of help, but felt as if I was just in the way of her managing her home and family. I should have just said, “I’m sorry, I need to go and come back at a more convenient time”. But no, I stayed, finished what I had come to do, and left in a state of shock. I told her that I am grateful to her because I know she won’t judge me when I go through stuff because she goes through it too. Judging is not the issue, but not knowing how to respond increases my stress level making me feel traumatized when there is no trauma. I’m not going to make my kids be around others who treat them disrespectfully. The last time something like this happened, I brought the topic up, and then wished I hadn’t. It doesn’t solve anything when people won’t take responsibility for their behavior. They say I’m oversensitive for having an issue with it.
In our Sunday school class, the teacher taught that as Christians, we are not to fight back, but doesn’t that teach people that it’s ok to injure us and destroy our belongings with no consequences? It seems to me that not fighting back, enables them to be bullies. I’ll not make my kids spend time with others who hit them, pinch them, throw muddy water on them, laugh when they get hurt, lie to them and about them, kiss their lips when they say no, puncture their belongings, expose their private body parts when they are old enough to know better, abuse their pets, etc. If those who are in authority ignore the issues, then I give myself and my kids permission to take matters in our own hands when it comes to protecting ourselves, our pets, and our belongings. We will engage disrespectful people as little as possible by not making commitments that involve interacting with them. I was told I am not a Christian if I won’t allow a girl who stole from my daughter in my home…I’m to forgive to infinity. I told her I forgive her, but no…future engagements are cancelled. Why would she think forgiveness hinges on my giving her the opportunity to steal from us again? It is considered out of line for me to correct another person’s child, but it is within my responsibility to protect my own from abuse. I could and would let someone abuse me if I truly thought that is what God wants and requires of us, as when Jesus went to the cross, but I don’t think that is the case, or healthy for anyone. It just allows abusers to keep abusing. It teaches kids that there are no consequences to their actions. You show disrespect to me and my family in my home, and I will show you the door. You show me disrespect in your home, and I will show myself the door. You show me disrespect in a public place, I will go to the authorities, and when they tell me that I’m just ‘over-sensitive’, then the war is on. It is right for everyone to be able to shop, worship, exercise, learn, etc without fearing harm. And if a person threatens to wear scented products in response to learning that they disable me, I consider that the ultimate disrespect. It is rare that I find people who understand and care enough to accommodate people with chemical sensitivities. I treasure my relationships with the ones who do.