Feeling Discouraged

I crashed.  It’s been a month since I’ve had energy to do anything other than essentials, and I struggle to do that.  Mike has been picking up the slack.  Olivia is continually disappointed because she wants to go and do so much I don’t have the strength for. Alex seems content to snuggle, play singing monsters, and discuss the Bible with me. He becomes distressed though when I can’t get up to keep him company in the bathroom. (The result of Chupacabra stories and the ensuing nightmares.)

Mike cancelled my counseling appointments because I have not been able to communicate well. I decided to quit all together due to the pressure of working toward a pristine house that doesn’t let up.

 

I also gave up on the ketogenic diet.  I was stressing way too much.  I  made it through three weeks, and testing showed I was in ketogenesis, but the fatigue and cravings were only worsening. I caved and drank some milk, ate an apple, and felt better immediately. I decided it’s not for me. I’ll continue on with low cabs though. 40 to 60 carbs a day is where I’m comfortable. I’m gaining a little weight, but feel relived. People kept saying hang in there, it will all get better, but 3 weeks was all I could tolerate.  

I attempted to cook breakfast for the family this morning. It’s a first since my crash last month. I became shakey, nauseous, and faint.  I rested a bit; and then against my better judgement, drove Olivia to church.  Before leaving, I felt the need to tell Mike (before I forgot again) about a homeschool group I learned about that might be accepting of my limitations due to the leader adopting several disabled children.  He thought I was telling him I want to adopt, and reacted very negatively.  I over-reacted.  It’s as if something triggers an explosion in my emotions, and I can no longer remember what was actually said.  When he asked me what is wrong, and I tried to explain, it only makes things worse, so it’s best kept to myself.  I’m going to study up on PTSD and see if I can find any help there.  Meanwhile my strategy is to consciously try to convince myself that I am not worthless, Mike is not my enemy, and God does have a purpose for my life.  My heart feels broken.

I found a blog written by a gal named Heather about being a disabled mother. She has CP.  At first I found it encouraging, and wanted to contact her, but the more I read, the more overwhelmed I became.  I feel like a constant disappointment to my children and husband due to my mental and physical struggles.  I try to remain spiritually strong.  I pray for them daily, and remind them in all the ways I can how much I love them.  I hope and pray that that is enough.

 
 

Homemade Hummus

1.5 cups chickpeas (garbonzo beans), drained

.25 cup fresh lemon juice (1 large lemon)

.25 cup tahini

1 garlic clove

2 Tbsp. olive oil

.5 tsp. ground cumin

.75 tsp. sea salt

.5 tsp. tamari (or low sodium soy sauce)

3-4 Tbsp water, as needed

paprika, for garnish

1 Tbsp. sesame seeds, for topping

1. In the bowl of a food processor, add the drained chickpeas or garbanzo beans, freshly squeezed lemon juice, tahini, a small clove of garlic, olive oil, ground cumin, sea salt, and tamari (or low sodium soy sauce will work, too).

2.  Blend together until smooth.  Depending on the texture you’re looking for, you’ll probably need to add a little water to the mixture to get it smooth.  I usually need to add 2-3 Tbsp., but I add them one Tbsp at a time to be safe.

3.  To make the toasted sesame seeds, just heat a skillet over medium heat and add the sesame seeds.  Toss pretty consistently for 4-6 minutes, or until they turn golden brown – watch them closely so they don’t burn.

4.  To serve the hummus, drizzle a little olive oil over the top, followed by the toasted sesame seeds and sprinkle with paprika.

5.  Enjoy with bakec pita chips, carrot sticks, or even use as a spread.

6.  Store in an airtight container in the fridge for up to one week.

Serving size: 2 Tbsp.  Carbs 17.4g