I crashed. It’s been a month since I’ve had energy to do anything other than essentials, and I struggle to do that. Mike has been picking up the slack. Olivia is continually disappointed because she wants to go and do so much I don’t have the strength for. Alex seems content to snuggle, play singing monsters, and discuss the Bible with me. He becomes distressed though when I can’t get up to keep him company in the bathroom. (The result of Chupacabra stories and the ensuing nightmares.)
Mike cancelled my counseling appointments because I have not been able to communicate well. I decided to quit all together due to the pressure of working toward a pristine house that doesn’t let up.
I also gave up on the ketogenic diet. I was stressing way too much. I made it through three weeks, and testing showed I was in ketogenesis, but the fatigue and cravings were only worsening. I caved and drank some milk, ate an apple, and felt better immediately. I decided it’s not for me. I’ll continue on with low cabs though. 40 to 60 carbs a day is where I’m comfortable. I’m gaining a little weight, but feel relived. People kept saying hang in there, it will all get better, but 3 weeks was all I could tolerate.
I attempted to cook breakfast for the family this morning. It’s a first since my crash last month. I became shakey, nauseous, and faint. I rested a bit; and then against my better judgement, drove Olivia to church. Before leaving, I felt the need to tell Mike (before I forgot again) about a homeschool group I learned about that might be accepting of my limitations due to the leader adopting several disabled children. He thought I was telling him I want to adopt, and reacted very negatively. I over-reacted. It’s as if something triggers an explosion in my emotions, and I can no longer remember what was actually said. When he asked me what is wrong, and I tried to explain, it only makes things worse, so it’s best kept to myself. I’m going to study up on PTSD and see if I can find any help there. Meanwhile my strategy is to consciously try to convince myself that I am not worthless, Mike is not my enemy, and God does have a purpose for my life. My heart feels broken.
I found a blog written by a gal named Heather about being a disabled mother. She has CP. At first I found it encouraging, and wanted to contact her, but the more I read, the more overwhelmed I became. I feel like a constant disappointment to my children and husband due to my mental and physical struggles. I try to remain spiritually strong. I pray for them daily, and remind them in all the ways I can how much I love them. I hope and pray that that is enough.