The Woman with the Issue of Blood

This week, my counselor and friend Amanda Wellman asked me to read about the woman with the issue of blood who touched the hem of Jesus’ garment and was healed.  Jesus said he felt virtue flow out of Him and wanted to know who touched Him.  Amanda asked me what parts of the story I relate to and how I feel about it.  

A strong emotion swept over me.I felt compassion for this woman who has bled for so long, and hurt that Jesus seemed unaware of her and didn’t reach out to her. Instead she had to struggle both physically and against the crowd, and cultural norms to reach Him. I don’t understand why it has to be so hard for some people…as opposed to people like Saul who were not even looking for Jesus, and there He was revealing Himself and plan to Saul. After his interaction with Jesus, Paul knew exactly who Jesus is, about His plan for humanity, and what God wanted of him. I wonder why sometimes He is so hard to find and so hard to get to? I find myself somewhat jealous of people who seem so sure of their callings, and interact with God moment by moment, hearing Him, and able to tell others what He tells them to…people who have peace knowing that they are making the decisions God wants them to. 

It hurts me to think God shuts anyone out, but he does. He hardened Plato’s heart. I always thought that seemed unfair. I wouldn’t want to be Pharo.

 I’ve asked God for mental, emotional, physical, and relationship healing for 35 years. I’ve been rejected by my family, church people, coworkers, fellow homeschoolers, and people I’d considered to be friends as I just couldn’t meet their standards. I’ve been debilitated for 19 years. I feel like I’m finally breaking through whatever has been holding me hostage…by his grace, I’m sure. I’m very grateful. Very relieved, and yet very sad that He makes it so hard for some people to find Him. It still feels like exclusion and possibly punishment. I trust that God is good. So that leaves me thinking that there is something about me that is lacking so much, that I am unwanted by Him. I feel like the woman chasing after Jesus in a weakened state with everything she has, and fighting against everyone and everything blocking her. I’m glad she finally found Him, and that he healed her. 

A New Approach

I have decided to make Journaling a part of my morning routine rather than something I do when I need to clear my head or vent.  I think I’ll get more insight and perhaps more things worth sharing that way.  I am getting up now at 3am.  I do my coffee enema, sauna, Bible reading, and meditation.  That puts me right at 5:30 when Mike is ready to walk.  When we get back, he makes breakfast while I do a few chores if I’m up to it, and then I cam write until the kids get up.

So, today, I’ve been praying and it occured to me that anemia might be the reason I’m struggling so much.  I have an appointment in a few days with the chiropractor. His son, Caleb took his test in the month of October to get his medical license.  He wants to take me on as a patient.  Mike said if Caleb thinks he can help me, that he doesn’t care what it costs.  My last doctor was not as helpful as I had hoped, and I’ve been hesitant to find another, but Caleb seems to think he can help, and I’m excited to find out if that is true.  Not having energy and not being able to think well feels like being dead, only occupying space and position so that nobody else will step in to do what needs done because it is my responsibility whether I can do it or not.

I work hard at maintaining perspective and a positive attitude, and sometimes am not very successful at it like Sunday when that emotional  bomb went off in my heart and erased my memory of what actually happened.  Mike assures me though that nothing has  changed between us, that he loves me as always, and that he loves our children, so all is well. I’m thankful that Mike’s mercies as well as God’s are new every morning.   🙂

Kids are stirring, so it’s time to start a brand new day. Have a good one.

 

 

 

Feeling Discouraged

I crashed.  It’s been a month since I’ve had energy to do anything other than essentials, and I struggle to do that.  Mike has been picking up the slack.  Olivia is continually disappointed because she wants to go and do so much I don’t have the strength for. Alex seems content to snuggle, play singing monsters, and discuss the Bible with me. He becomes distressed though when I can’t get up to keep him company in the bathroom. (The result of Chupacabra stories and the ensuing nightmares.)

Mike cancelled my counseling appointments because I have not been able to communicate well. I decided to quit all together due to the pressure of working toward a pristine house that doesn’t let up.

 

I also gave up on the ketogenic diet.  I was stressing way too much.  I  made it through three weeks, and testing showed I was in ketogenesis, but the fatigue and cravings were only worsening. I caved and drank some milk, ate an apple, and felt better immediately. I decided it’s not for me. I’ll continue on with low cabs though. 40 to 60 carbs a day is where I’m comfortable. I’m gaining a little weight, but feel relived. People kept saying hang in there, it will all get better, but 3 weeks was all I could tolerate.  

I attempted to cook breakfast for the family this morning. It’s a first since my crash last month. I became shakey, nauseous, and faint.  I rested a bit; and then against my better judgement, drove Olivia to church.  Before leaving, I felt the need to tell Mike (before I forgot again) about a homeschool group I learned about that might be accepting of my limitations due to the leader adopting several disabled children.  He thought I was telling him I want to adopt, and reacted very negatively.  I over-reacted.  It’s as if something triggers an explosion in my emotions, and I can no longer remember what was actually said.  When he asked me what is wrong, and I tried to explain, it only makes things worse, so it’s best kept to myself.  I’m going to study up on PTSD and see if I can find any help there.  Meanwhile my strategy is to consciously try to convince myself that I am not worthless, Mike is not my enemy, and God does have a purpose for my life.  My heart feels broken.

I found a blog written by a gal named Heather about being a disabled mother. She has CP.  At first I found it encouraging, and wanted to contact her, but the more I read, the more overwhelmed I became.  I feel like a constant disappointment to my children and husband due to my mental and physical struggles.  I try to remain spiritually strong.  I pray for them daily, and remind them in all the ways I can how much I love them.  I hope and pray that that is enough.

 
 

Homemade Hummus

1.5 cups chickpeas (garbonzo beans), drained

.25 cup fresh lemon juice (1 large lemon)

.25 cup tahini

1 garlic clove

2 Tbsp. olive oil

.5 tsp. ground cumin

.75 tsp. sea salt

.5 tsp. tamari (or low sodium soy sauce)

3-4 Tbsp water, as needed

paprika, for garnish

1 Tbsp. sesame seeds, for topping

1. In the bowl of a food processor, add the drained chickpeas or garbanzo beans, freshly squeezed lemon juice, tahini, a small clove of garlic, olive oil, ground cumin, sea salt, and tamari (or low sodium soy sauce will work, too).

2.  Blend together until smooth.  Depending on the texture you’re looking for, you’ll probably need to add a little water to the mixture to get it smooth.  I usually need to add 2-3 Tbsp., but I add them one Tbsp at a time to be safe.

3.  To make the toasted sesame seeds, just heat a skillet over medium heat and add the sesame seeds.  Toss pretty consistently for 4-6 minutes, or until they turn golden brown – watch them closely so they don’t burn.

4.  To serve the hummus, drizzle a little olive oil over the top, followed by the toasted sesame seeds and sprinkle with paprika.

5.  Enjoy with bakec pita chips, carrot sticks, or even use as a spread.

6.  Store in an airtight container in the fridge for up to one week.

Serving size: 2 Tbsp.  Carbs 17.4g

Contemplative Today

I feel traumatized and there is no trauma.  Is this what lack of sleep does to me?  If so, then I will not be seeking work anytime soon.  I stayed with a relative last night who just had a heart port put in.  It was not functioning well, and was leaking.  She was in too much pain to sleep from the meds being inserted that were going into surrounding tissues instead of the circulatory system.  Why she wouldn’t allow me to call the on-call nurse, I don’t know.  I stressed over it, decided to respect her wishes, and then stayed up with her until morning when she was willing to call the nurse. She was determined to shower with the compromised port in.  I offered to tape plastic around it, but she was in the shower before I could get supplies.  It shouldn’t bother me…it’s her body, right?  She knows the risk she is taking.

Then I went to church to help teach a class with young children.  I forgot to print off the coloring page, but pulled together a last minute idea.  The class went without a hitch.  Afterwards, I could hear myself talking about stuff that shouldn’t be verbalized, and couldn’t seem to turn it off.  I felt like a fool.  So now I’m re-evaluating my life thinking I should not be allowed to go out in public.  I should plan to avoid contact with anyone I could say something foolish to.

I found myself stressing this week over telling a friend I’m not interested in buying her pain relief herbal product for $50 even though I’m in pain.  And telling another gal that no, I’m not interested in selling Asea even though I’ve been using it for a year and it has been helping me tremendously.  Yes, I want an income and pain relief, but no, I don’t want my motives to be questioned when I do recommend something helpful, and I don’t want to offer a solution to people that they can’t afford.  I want to serve others, not bleed them dry.  I feel insecure enough as it is recommending free stuff…because I’m not an expert.  I think the direction I need to go is in becoming an expert and getting some credentials behind my name.  A nutritionist maybe?  I’ve always wanted to be a massage therapist.

And a third social stresser…a friend freaked out on me,  she said because she and her misbehaving daughters hadn’t eaten in over 3 hours.  I wanted to be of help, but felt as if I was just in the way of her managing her home and family.  I should have just said, “I’m sorry, I need to go and come back at a more convenient time”.  But no, I stayed, finished what I had come to do, and left in a state of shock.  I told her that I am grateful to her because I know she won’t judge me when I go through stuff because she goes through it too.  Judging is not the issue, but not knowing how to respond increases my stress level making me feel traumatized when there is no trauma.   I’m not going to make my kids be around others who treat them disrespectfully.  The last time something like this happened, I brought the topic up, and then wished I hadn’t.  It doesn’t solve anything when people won’t take responsibility for their behavior.  They say I’m oversensitive for having an issue with it.

In our Sunday school class, the teacher taught that as Christians, we are not to fight back, but doesn’t that teach people that it’s ok to injure us and destroy our belongings with no consequences?  It seems to me that not fighting back, enables them to be bullies.  I’ll not make my kids spend time with others who hit them, pinch them, throw muddy water on them, laugh when they get hurt, lie to them and about them, kiss their lips when they say no, puncture their belongings, expose their private body parts when they are old enough to know better, abuse their pets, etc.  If those who are in authority ignore the issues, then I give myself and my kids permission to take matters in our own hands when it comes to protecting ourselves, our pets, and our belongings.  We will engage disrespectful people as little as possible by not making commitments that involve interacting with them. I was told I am not a Christian if I won’t allow a girl who stole from my daughter in my home…I’m to forgive to infinity.  I told her I forgive her, but no…future engagements are cancelled.  Why would she think forgiveness hinges on my giving her the opportunity to steal from us again?  It is considered out of line for me to correct another person’s child, but it is within my responsibility to protect my own from abuse.  I could and would let someone abuse me if I truly thought that is what God wants and requires of us, as when Jesus went to the cross, but I don’t think that is the case, or healthy for anyone.  It just allows abusers to keep abusing.  It teaches kids that there are no consequences to their actions.  You show disrespect to me and my family in my home, and I will show you the door.  You show me disrespect in your home, and I will show myself the door.  You show me disrespect in a public place, I will go to the authorities, and when they tell me that I’m just ‘over-sensitive’, then the war is on. It is right for everyone to be able to shop, worship, exercise, learn, etc without fearing harm.  And if a person threatens to wear scented products in response to learning that they disable me, I consider that the ultimate disrespect.  It is rare that I find people who understand and care enough to accommodate people with chemical sensitivities.  I treasure my relationships with the ones who do.

Trying New Things

I’ve been going downhill since Sunday it seems. Emotional unrest, loose lips, negative thoughts, low body temperature, fatigue, widespread joint/muscle pain. What started as a nuisance is now dictating my schedule and negatively affecting my relationship with Mike. He becomes irritated when I cry and when I talk too much.

I’m trying to remember what things have changed so I can go back to the way it was, stabilize, and then make changes one at a time eliminating the culprit. 
1. Stress…interrupted sleep and stressful circumstances Saturday night. Unprepared for Sun. school class the next morning, causing a time crunch.  Also I started kicking myself in my thoughts for saying too much about my speculations on why people are so stubborn when it comes to getting medical help. I got carried away, and then felt shame, fear, insecurity, and questioned whether I should go in public until this symptom subsides. Then I showed up at the wrong dental office for the kids appointment and over-reacted emotionally when the receptionist was less than professional. I kept saying out loud that I wanted to just leave, and that I shouldn’t have bothered trying. I told her I have dementia and I’m ready to give up…not true. It was how I felt, but waaaayyy off the mark. I was just frustrated with myself, and my lips were flapping. I need duct tape for times like that. Then I made Olivia late for her exercise class because I felt too ugly to leave the house. I changed shirts 4 times, and did my hair twice. I finally decided to just go, but not leave the car. Not an option. Olivia couldn’t find the group. They weren’t any of the places they usually go. They went to the kitchen knowing we were coming…no note, no message left with any staff. I’m getting paranoid that they are trying to ditch us. Last class, they left Olivia at the pool and said they thought she was with me. I feel less than adequate because of not tolerating chlorine, and not being able to relax and chat pleasantly with the other moms. I’m so self conscious lately being around them. I feel stressed this week about all the homeschool activities and events that are scheduled and we are invited to that I can’t commit to going to but hope to. And then when it comes down to the wire, it’s no. I can’t find the energy, and feel disappointed. I know to prioritize, and I do, I just keep hoping I will be able to say yes to more things than washing dishes, folding clothes, doing workbooks, and sitting in the car while Olivia exercises. I’m very grateful to be able to do those things, but when I see the photos of what everyone else’s kids are experiencing, I become so sad wishing we could be a part of it. I tell myself pictures lie, and participating in all those things is not nearly as joyous as the photos show. My experiences have always been stressful. But I realize that for healthy people with healthy bodies, minds, and relationships, these events are very joyous. I grieve not being a part of that reality. Heather met her life-long best friend through girl scouts. Ashley developed her passion for photography and art through the weekly gallery classes and Miguel ‘ s classes at co-op school. Philip developed his passion for robotics and made multiple contacts through Shawn ‘ s Lego classes. His best friends were made through co-op school as well. I grieve the missed opportunities for the younger kids, as I quit committing to things because following through often becomes too difficult. The relationships we have been able to build seem very unhealthy. Olivia’s ‘friend’ crossed the line last week when she punched her. I’ve been grieving that loss too. We were getting together weekly, and my kids were always getting hurt. There is a difference between sacrificing to help somebody, and putting up with abuse. They have crossed the line…multiple times. So maybe the answer lies in seeking God in directing us to the relationships He has for us. I feel better thinking of it that way. God is perfectly capable of can let go of the rest knowing God will meet this need for my kids. Honestly, that is how we met the Bill’s family…an answer to prayers from both sides. I think I’ll go through my Facebook and remove the groups and people that are triggering so much sorrow and feelings of loss.

Happy New Year!

Today, I am starting my 50th year of life, and have spent this past week contemplating, evaluating, and planning.  Life does not always go the way we plan, but I love that I can trust that God has ordered our steps.  He has blessed our efforts to seek an serve Him as individuals and as a family.  He is currently restoring a painful relationship that is very important to me.  It is hard to trust people after being hurt by them, but I can trust God to lead me the direction He has for me, and in that I can trust Him to protect and heal my heart as I walk with Him.

2015 has been a year of healing through detoxification, chiropractic care, nutritional therapy, prayer/meditation, and essential oils.  Using an ionic foot bath, it’s been exciting to be able to visually see the amount of toxins excreted during each session decrease to nearly none.  The next step is to revisit the detoxification program my functional medicine doctor sold me in 2014.  I did not respond well to it at the time, and it will be interesting to see how I respond now that my toxic load is less, and my detox pathways are supported.  My response will determine what 2016 holds.

The plan for 2016 was for me to go back to work this month. I have been consistent with my morning prayer and study time, health routine, and housework.  It’s been hit and miss with a light homeschooling plan and a flexible volunteer job.  I still occasionally need complete days to rest and recuperate.  I’ve been entertaining thoughts of learning to homestead rather than look for employment.   One way or another, we plan to pay off the debt this year from my healthcare expenses and decreased income. If we can’t do that through creative budgeting and homesteading, then off to work I’ll go.

I am being encouraged spiritually and in our homeschooling efforts through a ministry named Lifestyle of Learning.   This online ministry is providing encouraging Godly relationships that help me grow and equip me to lead my children in the ways of God.  I feel very blessed by it.

 

Learning low-carb cooking at Huntington’s Kitchen

Olivia and I have been participating in a family fitness program through the YMCA since June 2015.  She has made a few friends and hates to see them move on when the semesters end.  This semester (January 2016), we will be trying out the homeschool fitness group along with our regular kid-fit group, so we will be working out 5 times a week, and hopefully can connect with other homeschooling families that we can maintain relationships with beyond the end of the semester.        

Something Beautiful

I pray that my life be something beautiful to God. I live in the USA, am married to a wise man with a heart of gold,  and have raised three children with two little ones to go. I have struggled with confusing and sometimes debilitating symptoms since I was 9 years old. This has had devastating effects on most of my relationships, my education, and various attempts at working, but has brought me to the highly valued place of surrendering all to Jesus.

My purpose for this blog is to save memories for my family and to interact with other bloggers.